Unanswered Questions
by JaneIsles
Summary: Starts during PP 3x11. Addison and Mark try to deal with the unanswered questions between them, concerning their love, relationship and their future. MADDISON It's an AU story at some parts!
1. Chapter 1

Addison tries to catch her breath, laying flat on her back with her eyes closed. A slight trace of sweet covering her naked body. She listens to the sound of his uneven breath and enjoys the silent fascination of the afterglow. But with the seconds that pass, the silent doubts seep into her memory. It was hard to describe what she felt when Mark talked about moving here to raise the baby with her and his daughter. She never heard him talking like this before, never seen him acting like this and for her, it was hard to tell whether he was really serious. She was surprised and flattered in some way and during the rest of their common evening, she found herself imagining how it might be. It's now that she's thinking about the reverse side.

They'd been together before. More then once. When they went to uni together, she got pregnant and aborted his child because she didn't want one from him. She still heard her own words ringing in her ears when she confronted him with that a few years ago, a while after he came to Seattle. She was honest when she told him about that and she was determined when she did it but now, she couldn't help but ask what might've been. What if she didn't abort the child? It wouldn't have been easy, that's for sure but now that she got older and couldn't get children of her own any longer, a part of her regrets what she did so many years ago. And the fact that Mark suddenly showed up with his teenage daughter felt like a slap in the face but she pushed it away and tried her best to treat her just like any other patient.

They'd been together a couple of times in the past but somehow it felt like it was never supposed to work out. Maybe it was just the two of them and their common past, maybe it was just their prejudiced attitude toward each other that kept them from being together for more then just sex. Even though she would never complain about that. She can't remember a time in which she felt so good. He made her feel like the most amazing woman on earth, like she's the only one around him and he knew it. She felt good with him and she felt save and loved. Things she always craved for during the last months.

But then again, she knows Mark Sloan too good. Just like her life, his had been turned around completely as well within a few weeks only. All of sudden, he found himself confronted with his pregnant teenage daughter in trouble and he unwillingly started to act like a father. His girlfriend just broke up with him and he was stressed and tired and looking for someone to ease the pain. Just like Addison. She was scared and lonely and wishing for someone to be there for her.

She feels his eyes on her body and looks up. The sweat on his forehead shimmers softly in the semi-darkness of the room. He smiles at her and she sits up a little. She needs to know the truth, she needs to know whether he was serious or not. She reminded herself to be careful because she wasn't sure if she could handle another disappointment.

"I don't care what Sam says, this is ideal," she hears him saying into the silence.

"What does Sam say?" Addison wants to know.

"Nothing," he says. "Thinking about Sam, this is ideal" he says again. "Three parents and no one gets overwhelmed, everyone's still having a life."

There were some things in what he just said that Addison doesn't like. She doesn't like the idea of permanently living with his daughter, because truth be told, she can't stand her. She always wanted a child. But moving in with the two of them to raise his daughter's baby because she was so foolish clearly wasn't what she always had in mind. There would always be something between them.

"That's our second chance, don't you see it?" he asks and she knows that he may be right but bringing a kid, or better said two kids between them, may not be the right thing to do. Especially if it won't work out one day. She doesn't want children in the middle of it all. But she also wanted him to be with her.

"What if there wasn't a baby?"

"What? What happened?" he asks with a trace of worry in his voice.

"Nothing happened, the baby is fine," she reassures him. "Just... just what if Sloan changed her mind and there wasn't a baby, would you still wanna move down here? Join the practice? Be with me?" she actually felt like she already knows the answer.

"You keep asking and painting a pretty picture and I'm just lonely enough and I'm just scared enough and I am just freaked out enough that if you ask me again, I might say yes."

She couldn't deny the trace of hope inside of her. The secret wish that he would tell her that he wants to stay because he wants to be with her and nothing else. She always had a thing for him and she fell in love with him once.

"So I'm asking you not to ask me again if it's not about me," the looks on his face never changed, he just keeps on watching her, wanting her to be done.

"If you're just heartbroken or in love with someone else or you just want me to help you with the baby that you may or may not be able to raise... don't ask me."

All the time she spoke, he wished that she would stop because he knew that it won't work out well for both of them. She was right. He loved the image of it all, but she just told him the truth. The way it really is. But on the other hand, he can't deny the feelings for her. The fact that he loved her once and that a part of him wanted to be with her more then anything else. But this may just be the wrong way to start.

"Cause I don't know anything," she goes on. "I don't know … anything anymore. Except that I can't fall in love with a man who is in love with someone else. I can't do that again so please, if you're still in love with that Grey girl then go back to Seattle. But if you're not and if you're serious and you want me... then ask again."

The way she sits in front of him, wishing him to really ask again nearly broke his heart. He couldn't come here just like that, it wouldn't be right.

But he let her go once, starting an affair with another woman right after she left and that wasn't the right thing either. At the moment, he isn't sure whether there are still feelings for Grey and he couldn't know that she already looked for some comfort elsewhere. With Addison, it'd all been different. They know each other for so many years and some things never really solved between them and something deep inside of him never stopped loving her. She was special and she'll always be.

But he didn't know what to do. And he waited too long. The look on her face slowly changed. From hope and a slight excitement until the truth started to sink in and it changed to sadness and disappointment until she refuses to look at him any longer.

"Addie," he starts softly and reached out to touch her hand but she refuses him.

"No," she whispers and stands up from the bed, wrapping her naked body in one of the sheets and leaves the room slowly. From the corner of her eye, she watches Mark sitting at the edge of the bed, his face in his hands.

It's chilly when she steps onto the porch and sits down, watching the ocean. Dawn is about to break and everything around her blurs when the tears flood her eyes.

She's angry with herself because she was so stupid to believe that he would come here just to be with her. She hated herself for being so foolish to believe and ask him like a stupid girl, begging him to stay and love her. It's ridiculous.

She's deeply hurt inside but tries to convince herself that it's best if he goes back to Seattle and won't come back in a while.

He's angry with himself because he didn't know what to do when he should've. He doesn't know what's the right thing to do and what'll really work out in the end. But who knows that? He doesn't like the thought of leaving her back like this, but does he really want to go?

He has to admit that, in some way, Lexie is nothing more but a kid. She never was Addie and she'll never be.

Back in Seattle, all he got is the reputation of a heart breaker, a woman who dumped him because of his daughter and his daughter and a baby. He had no idea how to handle it all and if this is what he really wants. He isn't ready for taking care of two kids and they'll be gone one day and he doubts that Addie would wait for him all her life.

With leaving Los Angeles, there's always the uncertainty. When will I see her again? Is she still the same once we meet again? He doesn't know.

But maybe it was the most reasonable thing to do for now. Go back to Seattle, try to calm down and see what happens.

She hears his steps on the ground and he sits down on a chair in front of her without a word and she frowns for a moment when the cool wind hits her face and the hot tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he begins.

"Me too, I shouldn't have asked," she says silently and tries not to start crying again. "It was stupid."

"It wasn't," he tells her and touches her cheek. For a second she considers turning her head aside. Addison closes her eyes and enjoys his touch. One that would be the last in a real long time she thinks.

"Go back home," she tells him and decides not to delay the obvious.

"I have to," he says silently and for the first time she thinks that he really is sorry but that doesn't ease her pain at all.

"Sure you do," she says without looking at him and he walks back in. She didn't turn around and keeps on staring at the ocean, asking herself when they'll meet again.


	2. Chapter 2

Unanswered Questions part 2

Sam woke me up in the morning. I didn't realize how long I laid there and how I fell asleep again. All I know is that he woke me up, looking a little worried and I know that a part of him asked himself whether Marc was finally gone.

"Addison?" he asked and I blinked several times until my eyes adjusted to the daylight even though it was rather cloudy.

"You okay?" he asked and I sat upright, slowly remembering why I was asleep on my porch. I must've looked like a mess because I spent some time with crying after Mark went back inside.

"Yes, sure," I answered but didn't sound quite convincing.

"Is it because of him?" he asked and I noticed a trace of anger in his voice.

"What? What about him?" I asked and actually Sam was the last one I wanted to talk to about this.

"I knew it," Sam said more to himself and I was getting a little tired of the whole thing.

"What did you know? Sam would you please tell me whatever it is?"

"He just dumped you again. Same old story and you're left behind. Why did you do that?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Things aren't easy and I don't think this is any of your business Sam," I told him. "And for the record, I'm not a saint either, you know that!"

"You think this is funny?" He asked. "You look like crap!"

"Had a bad night."

"You seemed perfectly fine when you went to bed with him!"

"What's the matter with you?" I asked and felt furious. I prepared myself to get up and go inside. "You're my friend Sam and I still think that it is none of your business," my voice got louder but I didn't care. "I know what I'm doing," I almost screamed at him although I knew it was a bad lie. "I know it, okay! And you can calm down now, he's not coming down here!"

"I'm not the one who should calm down here," I heard him saying before I slammed the door behind me. I went to the bathroom and wanted to take my clothes off, only to realize that I was still naked under the sheet that I took from my bedroom early in the morning. I threw it aside and turned the water on. The warmth slowly started to surround me and it seemed like every part of my body hurt. From sleeping on a chair, from being tired and stressed. And from being left alone.

As much as I hated Mark from time to time and although I somehow knew that it'd be better if he stays in Seattle, I still wished that he would've stayed.

I felt slightly overwhelmed when I stepped into the shower. Tired of everything. But most of all, I was sad and I was glad that no one would see the tears running down my cheeks while they became one with the water.

The time at work passed by unbearably slow and I tried my best to be the happy person and get over it. They surely knew what happened but I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I didn't have to go to the hospital which didn't make it easier. Being caught in my office most of the day just reminded me of the time I spent here with Mark and how much I actually enjoyed it. I made a mental note never to have sex in my office again and hoped that it'd help.

Naomi dropped by to talk and although she tried her best to make it sound like some casual pep-talk, I knew she just wanted to know what happened cause Sam didn't spill the beans entirely.

I left the practice around 5pm because all my patients seemed fine and I needed some time for myself to get a certain order back into my life.

I cleaned up a little and now I'm sitting in that same chair again, watching the ocean in silence with a cup of coffee in my hands. I felt foolish for not getting over it, just like I did the last times but after a while, I realized that it wasn't they way it'd been in the past. Something was different this time.

I told him that I was about to fall in love with him again.

The heavy feeling on my chest returned and I took a deep breath, trying to keep it under control. I wanted him to stay so badly but he didn't want me.

I should've known it. He chose that Grey girl instead of me. I should've known it.

With the minutes that passed, I remembered the many times I hated him. And all the times I loved him so dearly instead.

I was selfish when I decided not to have his child, I didn't give him a chance. I instantly shake my head, knowing that it won't do any good to twist the knife and warm up the old stories but I couldn't help. I should've told Mark about the pregnancy, it would've been the least thing to do. I never forgot him, I just pushed it all away and when I went to Seattle, I thought that everything was about to be better. But everyone moved on. I was the new one, and I was the one who screwed it up. Who was I to blame Derek for moving on and seeing someone else? With a bit of distance between all these happenings, I'm fine with it. I guess he had any right to do so. I got used to it and I thought that things would finally get better.

And suddenly Mark showed up and everything turned upside down. We've been together every now and then, doing our stupid little game and I tried my best to hate him because he came to Seattle although there were hundreds of other hospitals in America, but hating him was as difficult as loving him.

When things got worse, I decided to come here and it was the best thing I ever did. I recovered and started being myself again and I enjoyed it more then I thought I would. I am still glad that I am in Los Angeles but things changed with the time.

I went back to Seattle a few times and I felt good, I was proud of my decision but whenever I saw Mark, I felt like I lost something behind. I couldn't put my finger on it, I just felt like there was something missing. He was a part of my life and in contrast to Derek, I missed him in a different way. Derek is a friend now, but with Mark, it's always different.

Considering the fact that all our lives had been a mess back in New York, I'm glad that something changed with the years. It hadn't been the brightest chapter of my life until now and I wasn't willing to let it catch up on me again.

I felt sad because of the things that happened, angry because of the way it happened but I know I can't make it undone but it surely had an influence on my life and me. It made me be more careful, at least most of the time, and it made things complicated.

I hated myself for not knowing what to do. I couldn't decide whether to be sad or angry. Furious or deeply disappointed.  
He didn't leave a message before he left. Not a single word.

I leaned back and closed my eyes until I heard someone calling my name.


	3. Chapter 3

Maddison Part 3

I was confused when I left the house early in the morning. I wanted to avoid another conversation under these circumstances because I knew it wont do us any good. To be honest, she surprised me with her words. I always loved her, but I've never been a man of great emotions and I try to avoid talking about my feelings at any given time.

We were in love once, or at least we thought so. In the end, it wasn't enough. It didn't last, it wasn't strong enough to keep us together. I think that I really was in love but I never told her so. All the time, after being apart for a couple of months, I thought she'd never do the same mistake again.

I never expected her to fall in love with me again, because she always pretended that she never had. I thought that our former relationship caused her enough pain and that it was over.

But I was wrong.

The fact that she is about to fall in love with me again, which basically means that, despite her pretends, there had been a first time.

It shows me that she really wants or wanted it. That she may be willing to give it another chance and that I never really left her.

When she asked me if I am still in love with that 'Grey Girl', I wasn't sure what to say. A part of me still wanted Lexie, and the other?

Despite that, there's a difference between really wanting someone or needing someone. Because you feel lonely and incomplete without the other one. Because she's so special that you want to be there even though you know it might not be supposed to work out. But I need to give it a second chance, come what may.

I'd be a fool to let her go like this.

She's Addison.

The one I love, and not Lexie. I admitted that much to myself which doesn't mean I'll rub it in as soon as I'll get the chance.

I went to the hospital right after leaving the airport, trying to avoid Lexie. I stood on the second floor, staring through the huge glass front right in front of me and I realized that something is missing.

'You okay?' Derek asked me and I didn't see him until he started talking to me.

'Yeah, I'm just tired. The last days were quite demanding."

Derek laughed.

'Becoming a grandfather isn't easy," he said and I punched his arm.

'Save your jokes please. Addie already served them all," I said and it's silent fir a second, because we both noticed that familiar was I called her 'Addie'.

'So...' Derek broke the silence. 'Heard about Lexie and you, I'm sorry."

'Yeah,' was all I could say What was I supposed to say? Not bad, because I love your ex-wife anyways? The one I was in love with while you were still married? That wasn't the right thing to do but it helped.

'How was LA?' he wanted to know.

'A nice change... despite... everything else. Enjoyed the sun and the ocean for a while.'

'Sounds great' he said and I nodded.

'But I think I forgot something... see you!' I added before I left him back there with a puzzled look on his face.

I drove right back to the airport.

As I walk along the beach, her house comes in sight and tell myself that I could get used to this amazing view. The sound of the ocean is definitely nicer then the sound of everlasting, never ending rain in Seattle.

As I approach to her porch, it becomes darker slowly and soon dusk will set in. I spot her sitting in a chair. The same one she sat in when I left yesterday and I hope she didn't spent the last twenty-four hours like this. It wouldn't do her any good. I notice the dark lines of her body in the dim light. Either she didn't see me yet or she's trying desperately not to see me.

I don't know what'd be better, finding her outside in the first place or arriving here with no one in sight. I couldn't decide and it actually doesn't matter.

While I was on the plane, I tried really hard to think of the things that I want and everything I want to tell her.

I say her name, softly but loud enough for her to hear me.

The moment she finally turns her head and notices me a few meters away, I'm left speechless. Words fail me but I decide not to run away again.

She looks up and I realize that she's looking tired. She puts the cup away and curls up in the chair only to do something and I know she's nervous, just like me.

"What are you doing here?" she asks in a low voice and I don't know whether she hates me for coming back or if she likes it. Perhaps a bit of both.

"You forgot something?" she asks and I know her long enough to realize that she's fighting with all her strength to be defensive because I hurt her.

"Yes, I did," I tell her and sit down by her feet, watching her for a moment.

She looks at me, expectantly for a second.

"I'm sorry Addie," I begin and try to find the right words. Pouring out my heart to someone else isn't something I'm good at, but I think that this is my very last chance to try to make things work.

"I..." she starts but I interrupt her.

"No, wait," I say and I'm surprised by the calmness of my voice. "Please, I'm tryin' my best not to ruin it this time, so please let me finish."

She nods silently and I go on.

"I'm sorry for leaving you alone like this. I'm confused. This is all too much! When you asked me yesterday, I was totally overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do or say. I just needed a bit time to find out what I really want," I pause for a second and look at her.

She still listens silently.

"The... the time with Lexie was..." I try to find honest words for it without hurting her feelings because this is the very last thing I want.

"I thought there really was something, but... I realized that she isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong, but there's a difference between simply wanting a person or dearly needin' someone."

She laughs for a moment, but it doesn't sound funny at all.

There was more of a certain bitterness in it.

"I need you Addison," I say and the look on her face changed for the very first time since I started talking.

"I'm serious. I always did," I stop and wait for her to say something.

"I don't know what to say," she whispers and bits her lip. "Where have you been all this times?" she asks and goes on when I remain silently.

"Where have you been when I needed you?" she asks and stands up. It somehow makes me nervous, but I don't stand up to give her some space for herself.

All of sudden, I realize that the last week have been hard for both of us.

"I came to Seattle because I knew you'd be there Addie," I say honestly and the look in her eyes tells me not to go on, begging me not to go down this road again.

She silently shakes her head.

"Where have you been when they all thought that I was the stupid bitch who screwed it all up? It always takes two to tango, don't forget about that!"

She wraps her arms around her chest and refuses to look at me.

"Where have you been when I was due?" she asks and a sudden sadness overcomes me. She tries to keep her voice steady but it takes her a lot of strength. I know that it wasn't easy for her but it wasn't simply for me either.

"I knew I might not be the right one to blame you for not being there at that day, but I just couldn't help. I wished you would've called or something..." her voice trails off and I understand her. It may just because my own daughter was having troubles with her baby while still being a child on herself, but I think I understand her grieve and for nothing in this world, I would've wanted to take her place.

"It's just so hard to believe you," she says and I follow her inside. I'm sure she doesn't want Sam to hear any of this.

"That... that you need someone for more then just sex..."

"You never gave me a chance."

"It's not that we never tried it," she says. "And all the time, I hated you for not being there when I really needed you," there's a trace of anger in her voice and her eyes suddenly sparkle.

"Where have you been the night Derek found out about us?" she asks and her voice starts to tremble and becomes louder. "When he threw me out of the house in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but a fucking shirt?" She starts crying and I suddenly realize what kept us apart for such a long time. I nearly felt her pain while she talked.

"Where have you been when he threw half of my clothes out of the house? When I begged him to let me back into the house while I stood in the pouring rain? It was so damn cold and I saw my whole life falling apart with no chance to do something about it," she wipes her tears away and I approach.

"It was also your fault... and... and... you were gone! He was your... best friend, Mark!"

I think I really shared her pain at that moment.

"You never gave me a chance," I say again without meaning to blame her.

"You didn't make it easy for my either," she tells me. It makes me feel uncomfortable to see her crying and I wish I could do something to stop her.

"Addie," I want to give it another careful try. I raise my hand and reach out to touch her cheek. I feel that she's hesitant at the beginning but when I wipe a few hairs out of her face, she leans in slowly. She closes the distance between us and I feel the warmth of her body close to my own.

I lay my arms around her and she leans into me, her head resting on my shoulder and I close my eyes. I knew why I came and I knew that it isn't over. There are still a lot of unfinished things between us. All we can do now is hope that we'll be strong enough to get through it this time because I can't say how many chances we have left.


End file.
